Groundhog Day!!!

Posted by: Paul Nichols

02 Feb 2007

Punxsutawney Phil looked around this morning, did not see his shadow, so we're going to see an early spring!


Groundhog Day is a fun little adventure that kind of sneaks up on us every year. And I'm beginning to see why. Everything about Punxsutawney Phil reeks of a conspiracy, from the spelling of the town's name to the celebration to the permeation of lies into our shared scientific heritage. I'm sick of these lies - sick of 'em! I better share this insider information with you before "the man" puts me in my place.


A majority of the time Phil sees his shadow, which, "according to the legend," means six more weeks of winter. Spring doesn't start until March 21st. Phil's prediction of six more weeks of winter only brings us to March 16th - a good five days before spring (Conspiracy No. 1). So what does an "early" spring mean? Five days is already early and everyone boos when the groundhog sees his shadow. We sure are a greedy bunch when it comes to warm weather. Note that the vernal equinox this year on the East coast is actually March 20th-just lies by the establishment trying to get us confused as to when seasons begin (Conspiracy No. 2).


Also note, for the last several years there has been video online of the historic groundhog festival. This year was sunny in the video, yet the groundhog did not see his shadow (Conspiracy No. 3)? Granted, TV crews could have had the scene entirely lit up. But last year was cloudy, and the groundhog saw his shadow. We are obviously in the midst of a grand groundhog conspiracy. Plus, why would so much lighting have to be used for the TV crews??? Because according to www.groundhog.org, the official site of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, the official prognosticating actually occurs at 7:25 a.m. - just before sunrise!!! The sun doesn't even rise in Punxsutawney until 7:26 a.m. according to www.weather.com (Conspiracy No. 4)!!! Even were they to wait for sunrise, how much of a shadow would poor Phil see if he stands so close to the ground?


Moving on, I imagine TNT or TBS or somebody will be showing the movie Groundhog Day tonight. I actually love this movie and have viewed it over 50 times (which is like seeing it 2,500 times). But have you ever noticed that Bill Murray wakes up at 6 a.m. and it's sunny outside (Conspiracy No. 5)?


So I'm just writing to let you know that everything about Groundhog Day is just a big scandal waiting to blow up. We know the town of Punxsutawney is in on it. We know that Hollywood is in on it. Forgive me if I don't ask the questions, "For what?" or "Why?" - I've got much bigger fish to fry...


Like did you know that "groundhog" is just another name for a woodchuck?? Don't even get me going on binomial nomenclature...

© 2007 Dime Brothers

Printed on: 01-20-2022